Loosening the Grip

As summer draws to an end, I'm feeling a shift.

Transition Season

It's been a full year of running. In the spring, I set a 10k PR on an icy Old Man Winter course and ran 'over the hill' as I turned 40 at the Inca Trail Marathon in Peru. Through the summer, I explored countless new zones around Colorado and Wyoming before putting it all on the line at the 40-mile Telluride Mountain Run. I paced my best friend Jeff during his first 100-miler. I set more PRs on many of my go-to routes like the Manitou Incline, Hall Ranch in Lyons, and the Boulder Skyline Traverse. I adapted to running in Boulder, my new home.

But now it feels like it's time to put away the intensity and far-roving parts of my athletic practice, and turn my attention to other things. In the high country, the pine trees sag beneath the first snow of the season, and the marmots are bedding down in their burrows for winter. As for me, I've slaked my thirst for big days out and for running fast.

At this time of year, it feels natural to me to do some "shady running". I love a good mission to places that are slightly off-limits. There's nothing quite like waking in the dark to put on dark tights and camouflage. I get a thrill from hearing my heart pound in my ears and feeling the sharpness of my breath as I sneak off-trail to nab hard-to-get hilltops or explore unmapped canyons.

This year, I'm doing a little bit of shady running, but I'm more interested in broadening the ways I move. For me, it's been month upon month of a runner's schedule: the weekly workout, long run, easy runs with strides. This routine has been a great support in achieving the things I wanted to do this year. But now I want to lean into some other modes.

I've been falling in love with scrambling this year, but I'm not a particularly strong climber. I hope to get to a rock gym at least once a week in the coming months to work on my skills—especially downclimbing. I have some big running goals in the future that are going to require more confidence on the rock. But currently I'm craving some gym days more just because it's fun, for the social aspect, and to get a much-needed mental break.

Similarly, I've been doing more biking. I'm not a huge fan of cycling as a sport, especially not road cycling. For me, riding bikes has always stood for resistance to the status quo, going to the places society tends to forget, and above all, the feeling of freedom that I get in the saddle. I haven't ridden my mountain bike much this year. Plus, a friend I haven't seen in a while just texted and said we should catch up, so it feels like a perfect excuse to get together.

I also love yoga. Before I got into outdoors stuff, I could be found at the yoga studio during every lunch break, for several years running. These days, my flexibility and range of motion often fall by the wayside as I focus on run training. But it just feels good to stretch.

I know that in a few months, I'll probably feel like I've gone too broad, and miss the feeling of sharpness that comes with being well-trained in a single discipline. But honing the blade wears out both the body and the mind. I'm taking a rest day for the focus muscle.

Imperfectionism

Lately I've noticed that in many arenas in my life, I feel like I'm not doing enough.

I'd like to be a better father by inspiring my daughter to try more things that put her out of her comfort zone. I'd like to have more impact at work and in my career—it would be nice to feel like I'm of service. Wouldn't it be healthier and less expensive to cook at home every night? While we're at it, why haven't I signed up to phone bank for the presidential race yet?

I was reflecting on this tendency to feel like I need to be doing more in a recent session with my therapist. She pointed out that I'm already doing so many of the things I aspire to be more in. I'm a good father, my coworkers benefit from my help and care every day, and I do a great job of balancing household chores with parenting and a career.

So why am I always anxiously looking for the next boulder to push up the hill? I guess partly because human brains are wired to be on the lookout for danger, and getting ahead of any danger by building myself up feels like the best way to survive.

That; and because I've always been a bit of an achiever. Not so much in the sense that I want to be a CEO or drive the nicest car, but that I love dreaming up big dreams and then going after them. And every time I succeed, it just encourages me. I've been in a feedback loop of doing for my whole adult life. I'm just not that comfortable being any other way.

But what does this loop actually get me? Not happiness or even contentment. If anything, it just piques my anxiety. Recognizing this, I've been reflecting on how I can find a better way to live than "always searching for the next way to level up". Maybe this loose approach is exactly the definition of not the champion's mindset. But I suspect that for me, it is a recipe for a fuller life. But what would this other way of living look like, then?

Gratitude for What's Working

Going back to the idea that our brains are constantly scanning for trouble on the horizon, what's the opposite of that? Seeing what's already here. This was the point my therapist made in our conversation. It's already working. So many parts of my life are so good. From past gratitude work I've done, I know that the more I celebrate the positive, the happier I feel. So my intention for the next couple of months is to focus on what's good and what's working.

As a runner, that means deferring goal setting. I don't need to achieve a new marathon pace goal right now. Nor do I need to commit to a new distance. I can look back on the year I just had and celebrate my achievements—so many PRs, winning a marathon, new friendships forged, and wilderness explored. It makes me feel really full.

There are plenty other parts of my life that also bear celebrating. I won't get into them all here. But I will say that this blog itself is a celebration! It honors many of the same adventures and friendships I mention above. But it's also a recognition of our ability to connect and share a love for moving our bodies, for this earth, and our capacity for self-expression.

Thank you for reading. I hope you're also buoyed by gratitude for your year and all the things that are working for you, allowing you to loosen the grip and enjoy the change of seasons.